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A Blog for Mark Pelletier
The quickest way to a woman’s heart—the vacuum cleaner! 11/1/07 I recently watched a rerun of Everybody Loves Raymond where Debra became amorous upon seeing Raymond vacuuming the living room. Naturally Raymond, arguably the most clueless TV husband since Archie Bunker, was mystified at his wife’s advances. However, Ray’s reaction is not that far from reality. “Some research indicates that women have more sex with men who do more work around the house than with those who don't do their share. Men doing housework is, evidently, a kind of aphrodisiac for women.” (from a CBS article 9/12/07) The idea that this should earn national attention on network news must annoy the heck out of most women. How, they must wonder, could this not be obvious? Oh, sure, men tend to have a decidedly narrow breadth of understanding when it comes to the opposite gender, but the ladies haven’t tried to keep it a secret that they appreciate support. But this goes deeper than a quid pro quo with housework, ie: doin’ some means getting’ some. It’s really about the fundamental elements of marriage and the Bible’s explanation of husbands and wives. In the Genesis account of the Fall, man and woman lose
their idyllic residence in Now I’m not saying that God wants men to do housework to protect their wives from dust bunnies and ring around the toilet. It’s quite obvious that women are perfectly capable of doing housework better than most guys. It’s not in doing housework that a wife is protected. But it is his awareness of the demands on her and his demonstration of a desire to ease her workload that she feels valued and loved. A steady practice of doing the little things enhances her well being and kindles in her a gratitude that…ah, stimulates expression. But the “what’s in it for me” approach that men usually use when it’s clear they resent helping turns their assistance into self-interest rather than evidence of his commitment to her. A chance for giving becomes taking and his seeming disregard for her makes her feel exposed rather than safe. The CBS article also pointed out that unmarried men tend to help out more than do the married guys. This is really sad. How manipulative must this look to our women? Once we get what we want we kick back on our recliners and shift our sensitivity into cruise control. We quit looking for opportunities to love and just assume that our good intentions are obvious. As the old story goes, “I told you when we married that I loved you. If that ever changes, I’ll let you know.” But, listen up guys! And get this: it does change. It changes when she feels that her value to you is just below the ball game, the gang at the local watering hole, or your dinner. And I won’t even mention the new girl at the office. Your promise to protect her must be as current and real as are the challenges she faces to her spiritual strength, emotional security and physical safety. And that protection comes through loud and clear by the steady flow of messages she can hear and see that she matters to you more than your convenience, your ego, or your fun. I am a marriage counselor and I talk to an endless line of disillusioned spouses. So, hear me brothers and do yourselves a favor. Invest wisely now and avoid the high cost of ignorance that will come later. Be vigilant and look for opportunities to love and bless your wife. Surprise her and don’t wait to be asked. Straighten up that family room. Do some dishes or put out the trash without making her nag. Pick up the kids from school with a smile on your face. Be her champion and let there me no doubt in her mind that she is the most important person on the planet to you and that what you want most, above all else, is her welfare. You will have a happy woman and such a woman will shower her man with lots of “gratitude.” And, if the research is correct, you will like it…a lot! Thanks for spending these moments with me.
Biblical Boundaries for Balanced Living I talk with Christian leaders often who struggle to balance their commitments to God and family. They affirm that both are vital, yet believe, when faced with competing demands, they somehow betray one when honoring the other. The problem, so it seems, is that there just isn’t time for both. The problem lies in misunderstanding what God is wanting from us. We assume that our commitment to God, “serving Him,” includes formal ministry. And that to serve God we must accept any number of assignments from our church or favorite local ministry. Attending countless meetings and classes, volunteering, and serving takes time away from our families and marriages. But not to feels selfish, or faithless. Interpreting serving God as doing ministry is dangerous. Let me explain. Serving God is about our relationship with Him. It is about devotion to Him. About our passion to follow Him in prayer and intimacy and Christ like character. We serve Him by carrying Him to every encounter in every place on every day. But “ministry” as we generally understand it, is about tasks we perform and roles we fill and assignments we accept in our participation in our church. Ministry is partnering with an institution in delivering a service to a designated person or group of persons in a pre-determined format and generally at an agreed upon site or circumstance. One is being. The other is doing. The first will never violate your marriage and family. You can never love your family more than God does. You could possibly love them wrong, but you could never love them more. Being wholly given over to serving God will never require you to compromise the attention and time necessary to care for your spouse and children. Serving God is never more clearly demonstrated than in your commitment to your family. But formal ministry for your church certainly can, and much too often does, cut into the necessary time with one’s family. Well meaning church members feel they must make time for church duties, or feel guilty that they have failed God. Rarely is this a problem for the faithful church member who is raising a child or two while serving as a deacon or teacher. It becomes a bigger issue for the driven achiever whose identity is largely wrapped up in their church community. Or with the pastor whose controlling style prioritizes projects over people. So the conflict is not over whether God or family comes first, but rather over recognizing that church is not always synonymous with God. Proper priorities allow for healthy boundaries: God first. This is being before doing. It’s keeping God in you and taking Him everywhere you go. It’s being Christ centered and Spirit lead with every person you meet. This isn’t a Church program or a ministry position. It’s about drawing close to the Shepherd to hear His voice and trusting His ways. “Family second” means a life long dedication to act in the best interest of a spouse and children within the context of a divine covenant. This supersedes the commitment of affection, time and resources for religious or any other form of service that places the family at significant risk. Marriage and parenting asks a selflessness to make unconditioned sacrifice without exception for any other cause. Thirdly comes ministry. This is about living a life that honors God by presenting your very best in serving your faith community and the world around you. This is typically in cooperation with strategic activities and in partnership with other believers. It is no surprise that the Scripture requires that our faith and our home be in order as prerequisites to holding positions of leadership in the church. Number three happens when numbers one and two are in balance. With a vital faith and a vibrant home life, ministry and service are universal calls on every believer. Number two happens when number one is in balance. The determination to be a living sacrifice for your family won’t happen without the wisdom and aid of God. Number one happens before all else and as the means for accomplishing numbers two and three. To encourage these priorities it may help to build a schedule for your week. Be sure you make time for numbers one and two first. Your calendar should show protected time for solitude with God and His Word. And it should include time with and for the family. This means earning a living, preparing meals, and doing the laundry but this time must be for more than completing tasks. It should include periods of intimacy and leisure and time for conveying life principles. It’s about affirmation and safety and well being. Then build in number three when you can. Be an epistle of Christ known and read by all through your investment in others. Be intentional and strategic about salting yourself into your community. Encourage relationships and “Body ministry” whenever possible. Practice the “one another” exhortations in the Bible. Receive ministry that we might be equipped for the work of the ministry. And make time to love, teach, give and serve. It’s the old “first button” principle again. When you correctly button the first button the rest of them follow properly but if you put the first button in the wrong button hole then all the others that follow are out of place. When God and family have their proper places, then ministry becomes a huge blessing and not a burden. When we wrestle with a tension between home life or time with God and our duties to the church we should read these signs as warnings and make a change and get re-buttoned. Mark |
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